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Chapter 1
Uses for Old, Dead Volkers from 1994

These were some of the uses that I came up with, with the exceptions of any cited uses. No repeated uses from [23] or [3] show up in here.

We have so many uses now because there are more dead Volkers now than ever and that I had four months to put together the list. As more die from long, hard lives, it seems to reason that we need many more exciting uses to help those put their dead Volkers and their not-so-dead users out of their misery. The users were smart enough to dispose of them some time ago.

Occasionally, a reference is made in a footnote or elsewhere to a previous item where the reader is not to be confused by it. The new use is hopefully unique enough to not warrant confusion.

The list has been sorted in alphabetical order.

  1. Abacus storage case [4]
  2. Abstract art maker1 [5]
  3. Air raid siren housing
  4. Airbag holder for large trucks
  5. Aircraft CVR2 or DFDR3 (black box) case
  6. Airport runway VASI4 light housing
  7. Airport runway lighting
  8. Alien beacons [4]
  9. Alien communication device [4]
  10. Aluminum can crusher5 [6]
  11. Antacid6 [7]
  12. Antenna extenders to put on home “rabbit ears” like aluminum foil
  13. Anti-shoplifting devices to be attached to small merchandise in stores
  14. Anti-stealth device to make a low-observable object such as a stealth aircraft look larger that they actually are so they don’t get hit7
  15. Ariel’s8 latest object for her collection of curiosities
  16. Arm shield from the keyboard
  17. Armadillo trap
  18. Aussie Rules football
  19. Autoclave
  20. Baby food strainer
  21. Baby swing
  22. Back scratcher9
  23. Backboard for Nerf Basketball
  24. Backpack for robots or other people wearing metallic powered armor
  25. Ball for float valve in giant toilets, sump pumps or gas tanks
  26. Baptismal font for The First High-Technology Church of (fill in the blank)
  27. Bar stool seats
  28. Barber’s pole spinner
  29. Base for RFD mailboxes10
  30. Basketball backboard
  31. Battering ram used by police to open doors on search warrants to look for drugs, escaped cons or high tech hackers, phreaks or gangs that steal Pentium or Alpha CPU chips at gunpoint
  32. Bean counter for tightwad accountants
  33. Bed warmer used in those Old Fashioned Days before central heating systems
  34. Bee cell [8]
  35. Beer container for overindulging drinkers
  36. Bin or basket used to sort and mix the balls for Bingo games
  37. Bird cage
  38. Blast detuner/silencer for testing gas turbine engines [27, pp. 129 and 131]
  39. Bobber for shark fishing [9]
  40. Bomb bait to entrap the University Bomber11 [4]
  41. Borg props or display terminals [4]
  42. Bowling ball case
  43. Brain salad bowl [4]
  44. Bread kneader
  45. Bubble light for service vehicles [9]
  46. Bucket for beer ‘splits’ bottles
  47. Buffalo Free-Net Internet interface controller [4]
  48. Building blocks for giant children or any other suitably adept ones
  49. Buoy [9]
  50. Cable TV line amplification box
  51. Cable container
  52. Cable tuner or descrambler case
  53. Cactus waterer12
  54. Callus remover13
  55. Candle holder14
  56. Car jack (the kind put under the axle after lifting it with a hydraulic or scissors jack, not the kind associated with carjacking)
  57. Carbonation stone for beverages that the Rivina would drink
  58. Case for clock15
  59. Case for iron lung [4]
  60. Case for machine that goes ‘Bing’16 [4]
  61. Cash register
  62. Cat warmer17
  63. Cement casting mold for modular homes
  64. Cement maker
  65. Cement overshoes for use by gang members [9]
  66. Central heating unit for Ebeneezer Scrooge’s workplace18
  67. Chandelier [4]
  68. Character generator keyboard for cable TV community billboards [4]
  69. Cheese grater19
  70. Chia Pet observation window [4]
  71. Chicken nest [8]
  72. Chicken wing bone disposal container
  73. Chimney cleaner20
  74. Chimney storm cap
  75. Chopping block for wood [5]
  76. Christmas ornament for giant trees [4]
  77. Christmas tree water pan21
  78. Cider or grape press
  79. Clamshell bucket for earth movers or backhoes
  80. Cleat cleaner for athletic shoes
  81. Cleats for football shoes [5]
  82. Closet organizer
  83. Clothes hanger from the keyboard
  84. Coffee urn (or filter [5, as modified])
  85. Coin basket or funnel for use in tollbooths
  86. Collapsible filler to be placed near hard concrete bridge and lane separation abutments to keep people from killing themselves when they run into it
  87. Collection plate for unusual churches
  88. Compact car for midgets [11]
  89. Compost heap container for apartment gardeners
  90. Condiment dispenser for ketchup on School Lunches
  91. Condom tester22
  92. Construction examples for industrial or design engineering classes (Don’t Let This Happen In Your Shop!)
  93. Convex mirrors for shoplifting control23
  94. Cookie baking sheet
  95. Cookie cutter
  96. Cookie tin for Howard “The House” Ballard’s giant chocolate chip cookies
  97. Cornerstone for The Museum for Regressive Technology24
  98. Corrosion-proof time capsule [9]
  99. Cotton candy maker
  100. Cover for melting cheese on grilled hamburgers25
  101. Cover for miniature food-service type dishwashers
  102. Covers for aircraft turbofan engine blow-in doors which provide additional air for more thrust on takeoff26
  103. Cricket wicket
  104. Croquet hoop or post replacement
  105. Crotch protector or armor for the well-endowed
  106. Culvert for animal walkways
  107. Cupola
  108. Curing tank for thermosetting resins27
  109. Curling stone replacement
  110. Dart board support
  111. Dart carrier
  112. Dart fin straightener
  113. Database for Cobra Commander personal victory records [9]
  114. Dead weights for aerobics training
  115. Decision maker for typical TV Network Executives
  116. Deck bottom grillework or foundation covers [5]
  117. Dental X-ray machine container
  118. Destination signs for buses
  119. Dice shaking container for fuzzy dice
  120. Dieter’s28 pillow or seat cushion
  121. Digital parking meter
  122. Dishwasher for teacups and saucers
  123. Display case for porno flicks [9]
  124. Dog houses for “micro-mutts”29
  125. Drink mixer
  126. Drip pan or jar for frying or barbecuing
  127. Drop box for expended batteries
  128. Drunk test device30
  129. Dumbwaiter car
  130. Dummy object to conceal smuggled contraband
  131. Dumpster for use behind Barbie’s31 workplace
  132. ENIAC prototype [4]
  133. Earrings for The Fifty Foot Woman remake [4]
  134. Egg basket
  135. Electric germicidal machine used in public restrooms
  136. Electrolysis tank for water desalination
  137. Electronic countermeasures anti-radar decoy to keep enemy planes or air defense missiles from attacking
  138. Electroplating tank
  139. Elevator call buttons
  140. Emergency runway covers to place over the school lunch (see page §)
  141. Emergency tampon or feminine napkin dispenser for women’s restrooms
  142. Enemy booby traps
  143. Energizer Bunny test object
  144. Evidence of Communist plots [4]
  145. Explosives detector32 using the TNA (thermal neutron activation) method
  146. Extra-wide tape dispenser
  147. Face shield for machinery operators
  148. Face shield for mimes33
  149. Feeding trough for pet rocks34
  150. Ferengi gambling device [12]
  151. Filing cabinet (for use with pumpkin manuals35 [13, as modified])
  152. Fire alarm box
  153. Fire extinguisher36
  154. Fire hose container for use in emergencies
  155. Fireplace insert for small fireplaces
  156. Flashing light for cute pricing game on The Price Is Right
  157. Flatten it and use as a home plate
  158. Floating pier support
  159. Fly swatter37
  160. Foodaracacycle from The Jetsons 38
  161. Foot or hand warmer
  162. Foot soaker
  163. Football down marker
  164. Footrest or hassock
  165. Forced air heating inlet/outlet grate
  166. Frame for architects to make model buildings
  167. Fruit basket that Lt. Takashima of Babylon 5 pilot fame can send over
  168. Fully functional “open-minded” meter for the U. S. Republican party (or any political party [22]) [9]
  169. Fuse or circuit breaker box
  170. G. I. Joe’s new Action Command Post
  171. Gadget for Penn and Teller trick [4]
  172. Gallagher prop [14]
  173. Garage for toy cars
  174. Garbage disposer case
  175. Gas mask
  176. Gas/electric/water meter outdoor cover
  177. Gelatin mold
  178. Giant liquid soap dispenser with see-through window
  179. Giant perfume atomizer
  180. Giant-sized Rolodex file
  181. Gingerbread house frame [4]
  182. Glass bells for windchimes from the expended CRTs
  183. Goal and out-of-bounds markers for football
  184. Goal post holder
  185. Goalie’s mask for use in hockey or lacrosse
  186. Golf ball cleaner
  187. Graphics terminal for the blind
  188. Gravel sifter
  189. Grease container for waste grease and fat
  190. Grocery carts for use in convenience stores
  191. Ground fault interrupter for electric chicken waterers
  192. Guardrail ends
  193. Guide suspended from garage ceilings so the driver knows how far to pull up before hitting the bumper
  194. Gum ball dispenser39
  195. Habittrail expander unit [9]
  196. Hair dryer hood
  197. Hangar for model airplanes
  198. “Have a Nice Day” box used by Californians, complete with happy face where the terminal was
  199. Hazardous materials transportation containers
  200. Head for The Headless Horseman [4]
  201. Head for low-budget TV robots
  202. High-tech terminal for Islamic fundamentalists40 [14]
  203. Hitching post
  204. Homebrewer’s brewing tank
  205. Hot dog or hot dog bun warmer
  206. Hot water heater for dog houses
  207. Hubcap remover
  208. Humidifier that attaches to a forced-air furnace
  209. Hurdy-gurdy case [4]
  210. Hydraulic fluid (cherry juice) reservoir
  211. Ice cream making container41
  212. Ice cube carrier that holds the cubes for future drinks
  213. Impact absorbing frames for use on cars to make cars safer
  214. Industrial strength shoes [15]
  215. Industrial-sized marijuana bong42
  216. Industrial-strength elephant condom [4]
  217. Inflation safety cage for small tubeless tires
  218. Information terminal initially in use in George Bailey’s house43 until improvements were made
  219. Infusion pump casing that enables inspection of the fluids
  220. Insect screens for computer rooms
  221. Instant lottery ticket display case
  222. Items for sale by fradulent telemarketers
  223. Joy buzzer seat
  224. Jukebox for old 78 RPM records [4]
  225. Kiln for Play-Doh art
  226. Kimchi fermenting urn [9]
  227. Klingon pillows
  228. Klingon spice rack
  229. Landfill
  230. Landmine casing [14]
  231. Language expander for Beavis and Butt-head [4]
  232. Laser termination blocks
  233. Lassoing target for rodeo training
  234. Lectern
  235. Lens hood for cameras
  236. Light standard base
  237. Lightning or other power surge protector for more valuable computer equipment44
  238. Lightning rod (well, it’s not a rod, but it attracts lightning anyway, given its shape and obsolencence)
  239. Lint trap for clothes dryers
  240. Loonie bin (piggy bank for Canadian dollar coins45)
  241. Low-speed oscilloscope for kids
  242. M3146 artillery range target.
  243. Macintosh upgrade [4]
  244. Madonna’s new wardrobe
  245. Magnetic tape degausser47
  246. Make it worth $750 and offer it as a prize on Wheel Of Fortune48
  247. Makeshift housing for the homeless in New York City’s Central Park [15] 
  248. Manhole cover
  249. Manure spreader
  250. Marine depth gauge49
  251. Master cylinder for air-activated brake systems on large trucks, ground tugs or airplanes
  252. Mechanical gas pump display head (the old “bubbles”)
  253. Megaphone for robotic cheerleaders
  254. Mercury-vapor light dimmer50
  255. Mercury-vapor light housing [4]
  256. Microfilm/microfiche reader
  257. Microphone shock-absorbent shoe
  258. Milk box
  259. Milk crate which holds about six half-gallon cartons
  260. Milk skimmer [8]
  261. Mini-cars for clowns or pets
  262. Miniature Texas style barbecue smoker hood
  263. Miniature golf obstacle [14]
  264. Model rocketry launch shield
  265. Modern electronic jack-o-lantern
  266. Modified Yuppie cars [15]
  267. Modified witches’ brew kettle [15]
  268. Modular bookcase [11]
  269. Monitor to watch videotapes of Barney the Dinosaur
  270. Monument to the Progressive Conservative party
  271. Mood lighting [4]
  272. Motorcycle muffler for renegade motorcycle gangs51
  273. Mud flaps
  274. Muffler, sound insulator or suffocator for use on incessant snorers
  275. Mutes for electronic brass instruments
  276. Napkin holder
  277. Navel cleaner [5]
  278. Neutrino catchers [4]
  279. Neutron flow polarity reversers from the Dr. Who television series
  280. New “wonder terminal” communications aid for the blind52 [16]
  281. Newspaper carrying pouch for use in home deliveries
  282. Newspaper tube for out-of-house delivery [4]
  283. Night depository door at banks or credit unions
  284. Night stand
  285. Noise supressor for dot-matrix printers
  286. Nose weight for Really Huge Gliders
  287. Nuclear waste container for the Exxon Valdez [15]
  288. Nut cracker
  289. Nylon filament dispenser for weed cutters
  290. Object to be broken by a Seattle-based grunge rock group53
  291. Object to be turned from junk into useful objects by Rex Anderson54
  292. Object used for administration of NCO justice55
  293. Object used to test the acceleration of gravity56
  294. Official Major League Baseball fastball target [9]
  295. Official National Hockey League goal shooting training box
  296. Ordnance disposal hood57
  297. Ordnance fuze setters
  298. Outdoor transformer case
  299. Outdoor wastebasket
  300. Oversize wind sock for use at airports with difficult approach conditions58
  301. Paper mulching container
  302. Paper towel dispenser for restrooms
  303. Party mix bowl
  304. Pay phone case
  305. Pediatric ward incubator [9]
  306. Penalty box for errant mice
  307. Pendulum weight for large pendulums that prove the Earth actually revolves
  308. “People meter” to measure viewers of sitcoms starring That Urkel Kid or any other whiny or precocious child character
  309. Percussion cases that can be hit upon by whenever Shiela E. decides to record another album or for anybody wishing to make sampled sounds for rave music
  310. Permanent fish coffin [15]
  311. Picture cube for those Really Big Photos made by people with home developing and enlarging supplies showing funny things like class pictures, dogs with banana stickers on their heads, fire hydrants or whatever deserves a large photograph59
  312. Picture frame (for children’s pictures60 [5, as modified])
  313. Ping-pong paddles for gorillas
  314. Planer for balsa wood
  315. Playground leapfrog starter [9]
  316. Playground ornament
  317. Pledge item carried by prospective fraternity members61
  318. Plumb bob for use in surveying
  319. Pneumatic drill tip replacement
  320. Pocket-size Steve Jackson Games display case [8]
  321. Pole position marker for auto racing
  322. Pooper scooper
  323. Poor man’s Dutch oven
  324. Poor man’s cappucino or espresso grinder
  325. Popcorn holder for use in high-tech bars
  326. Poster child for endangered terminals [4]
  327. Powder sprinkler to coat donuts
  328. Prank gifts to be given out by morning DJs like Howard Stern
  329. Pubic hair (short hair) comb or pick [5]
  330. Punch bowl [17]
  331. Putting cup
  332. Quarantine container for dangerous stuff
  333. Rackmount unit for musical instrument, computer or laboratory equipment [10]
  334. Radio Flyer wagon replacement
  335. Raised floor panel supports for computer rooms
  336. Rally/support hats for Jimmy Griffin [9]
  337. Random number generator for schools running on tight austerity budgets
  338. Reactor core replacement [4]
  339. Recyclables box for curbside collection
  340. Refrigeration box used to cool mixed fountain soft drinks, beer, malt liquor or other carbonated drinks
  341. Relabel the Volker-Craig logo with a black Helvetica Bold “Terminal” on yellow paper stock to make it a generic, low-cost terminal for sale in grocery or discount stores62
  342. Replacement part for the Hubble Space Telescope [18]
  343. Replacement pawn in Very Large chess sets [9]
  344. Restaurant server call light housing
  345. “Retarded” bomb63 to drop on unsuspecting yuppies
  346. Reusable food storage containers that can be taken back to the store to get the deposit refunded in a manner similar to refillable beverage containers
  347. Reusable freight shipping container
  348. Road sign mount for signs on all four sides
  349. Roadkill scooper
  350. Rock throwing target used in junkyards by young, bored juvenile delinquents
  351. Roller skates for elephants [10]
  352. Rolling pin replacement64
  353. SAC brownie display case65
  354. SAC brownie oven66
  355. Sacrifices for alien visitors
  356. Sandbags for use in the Midwest [4]
  357. Sauce pan
  358. School lunch box67
  359. Seat insert to convert restaurant chairs to highchairs
  360. Sharpening post for bobcats
  361. Sheet holder for the mobility impaired [9]
  362. Shim for balancing wobbly tables or chairs
  363. Shoe carrier so the shine doesn’t get scuffed in transit
  364. Shoe cleaner or mud remover for combat boots
  365. Skateboard
  366. Slide viewer
  367. Smoke detector housing to keep clumsy oafs from playing with it
  368. Snack dispenser [10]
  369. Sneaker deodorizer
  370. Snowfall gauge
  371. Soap and shampoo container that hangs in the shower
  372. Sock dryer
  373. Sound barney for noisy motion picture cameras
  374. Soup ladle for giants
  375. Spare change holder [11]
  376. Spare parts cache68
  377. Speed bump for tanks or bulldozers
  378. Splatter guard for frying food
  379. Splint to restrain broken arms or legs
  380. Spoiled diaper container
  381. “Spy case” for holding covert microphone or camera used to eavesdrop on conversations made by former Russian and American spies which now care less about what’s going on and would rather have a drink in their favorite Washington watering hole
  382. Squirrel trap
  383. Stage riser holders
  384. Starting block for track and field events
  385. Steam radiator safety cover69
  386. Stepping block to step up and down on for aerobics training
  387. Stool to jump or step on when exiting a school bus emergency exit
  388. Storage battery cover for outdoor use or on gamma goats70
  389. Storage unit for Robert Packwood’s diaries [4]
  390. Storm drain grill
  391. Straphanger anchor for various public transportation vehicles
  392. Straw man for use by philosophers
  393. Stringer blocks for wood71
  394. Strobelight [4]
  395. Surge tank for hot water heating systems or water pumps
  396. Swell box for miniature organs72
  397. T. G. I. Friday’s ornament
  398. TV remote control and television listing caddy for couch potatoes
  399. Tackling dummy for midget football practice
  400. Target to fire at a Trash-8073 from a cyclotron [7]
  401. Tea cozy for clumsy people
  402. TelePrompTer display for Bill Clinton’s speeches74 [4]
  403. Telephone junction box
  404. Telephone message holder
  405. Telestrator input device
  406. Test object for integrity of air surveilance radars
  407. Texas-sized cockroach trap [9]
  408. Thermal conductive metal components for wood or coal heaters for people to put their hands on to warm them up
  409. Thrust reversers for jet engines, assuming we are replacing bucket or target type reversers75
  410. Time clock housing
  411. Topographic survey benchmark
  412. Touch screen for auto mechanics with overly greasy hands
  413. Traffic light controller box
  414. Transfer dispenser for use in TTC76 subway stations
  415. Trash compactor77
  416. Trilithium carrying case78 [11]
  417. Trinket display case
  418. Upper pot for double boilers
  419. Urn for deceased IBM employees [4]
  420. Van de Graaf generator base
  421. Video game carrying case for Game Boy, Game Gear, or Lynx systems
  422. Videotext home terminal [4]
  423. Vital signs monitor [4]
  424. Vorlon pet cage for use on Babylon 579
  425. Walk-in kitty litter box [9]
  426. Warhead for thermonuclear weapons [19]
  427. Washing machine for doll clothes
  428. Waste oil container [4]
  429. Water bowl for pets
  430. Water cooler tank for use in office socialization
  431. Waypoint placed in the ground for orienteering training80
  432. Weapons discharge point81
  433. Wheelbarrow carrier part
  434. Whoopie cushion tester82
  435. Wig stretcher/former (to ease assembly)
  436. Work bench for clumsy family woodworkers

And finally:

IT BROKE!!!

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