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Chapter 3
Uses for Unwanted School Lunches

Sorry, Rich. Some school lunches are really and truly unwanted, despite what you may think. Here we go with some.

  1. Acoustic insulation
  2. Athletic field paint
  3. Ball bearings from dried peas
  4. Ballistics trainers by using in food fights
  5. Barber’s comb germicidal solution
  6. Battery tester1
  7. Biodegradable Rorscharch tests [4]
  8. Bird cage lining
  9. Blown-in insulation [9]
  10. Body putty for cars
  11. Braille dots to paste on paper
  12. Building material [9]
  13. Carpet glue [9]
  14. Carpet underpadding
  15. Caulking compound
  16. Chalk eraser (from Italian bread [43, card B–11])
  17. Chemical light sticks2
  18. Chemical stocks for chemical warfare [9]
  19. Chia Pet starter set [9]
  20. Chicken food3
  21. Christmas tree ornaments
  22. Clay substitute for art classes from mashed potatoes
  23. Cold patch asphalt replacement to fill very large winter potholes (for those troublesome potholes that grow in cold places)
  24. Combine with nitric acid to make modern makeshift explosive
  25. Compost heap starter set
  26. Conformal coating replacement (like epoxy sealant) to hermetically seal electronic components
  27. Contraceptive diaphragm from cheese [9]
  28. Crayon replacement when petroleum products cost too much4
  29. Crotch padding for ballet dancers
  30. Degreaser for use on engine parts
  31. Dental impression molds
  32. Deodorant tester5
  33. Depillatory cream [9]
  34. Dr. Scholl’s shoe pad replacement
  35. Dry-sweep to remove grease and oil from concrete or around the cafeteria dumpster
  36. Ear muffs from pizza buns
  37. Emergency fuel for diesel engines
  38. Emergency power supplies during blackouts6
  39. Emergency runway filler (to be covered with opened Volkers (see page §)
  40. Fake gag coffee creamer
  41. Fake maggots to scare girls with (from fried rice [43, card B–10])
  42. Fake metal or wood shafts, blocks or other shapes that can be used in shop classes to be turned on specially designed lathes that use duller cutting bits so students won’t get hurt as easily and liability insurance premiums can be lower
  43. Fake snot or vomit used by kids to gross out people
  44. Fashion telephone handset from dried up hot dog rolls
  45. Fertilizer for kudzu [9]
  46. Filler for practice artillery rounds or bombs7
  47. Finger paint replacement for art classes
  48. Fire extinguishants
  49. Fireplace kindling
  50. Fix-a-Flat tire sealing compound replacement
  51. Flame-retardent foam from mashed potatoes8 [9]
  52. Floatation devices from pizza buns [9]
  53. Floor tile [11]
  54. Foam for self-sealing fuel tanks or tires
  55. Frisbee discs9
  56. Gag vomit for stand-up comedians [9]
  57. Gallagher prop [14]
  58. Gas mask tester10
  59. Goop for a Penn and Teller trick
  60. Grit to help cars get unstuck
  61. Growth medium for biological warfare [9]
  62. Hair grease
  63. Hand balls or racquetballs (from dried rice pudding [43, card C–15])
  64. Hand washing cream
  65. Health spa mud packs [9]
  66. Heatsinking compound
  67. Helmet padding
  68. Hockey puck
  69. House insulation
  70. Impact absorbing bumpers made from pizza buns
  71. Industrial strength dental filling dissolvers [14, and me]
  72. Industrial strength herbicide sprayed from airplanes [9]
  73. Instant setting splint material to keep necks and limbs rigid to prevent further injury
  74. Items used by sound-effects technicians to simulate flatulence or other essential bodily functions
  75. Klingon poetry props thrown at the poetry reader [4]
  76. Landfill
  77. Laser termination blocks
  78. Laxative [9]
  79. Laxatives from low-fiber foods
  80. Liming for ponds [20]
  81. Lincoln Log replacements from dried up hot dogs
  82. Living “biology in action” exhibit for use in school science fairs [9]
  83. Lubricants for use in metal shop
  84. Madonna’s new (paste-on?) wardrobe
  85. Makeup appliances for use on Star Trek: The Next Generation or Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
  86. Mash for distilleries [14]
  87. Material to put into rattles or maracas to give them interesting sounds
  88. Materials for AIDS research [4]
  89. Materials for genetics research [4]
  90. Mattel Alien slime [9]
  91. Meals to serve to prisoners on Death Row, provided that Amnesty International doesn’t complain that serving such food would be a violation of human rights
  92. Microphone windscreen
  93. Miniature rolling pin from dried up hot dogs
  94. Mold material for casting wax figurines
  95. Moldable instrument mutes
  96. Mouse trap bait
  97. Mouth guard mouthpiece medium
  98. Mystery Meat and Mystery Cheese, new characters for Mystery Science Theater 3000. [9]
  99. Neutrino catchers
  100. Oven cleaner
  101. Packing foam from any starchy food11
  102. Packing material by using cardboard hamburgers
  103. Padding for push-up bras
  104. Paint ball replacements for use in “Capture the Flag” type games
  105. Paste replacement for art classes12
  106. Petroleum-free candle wax13
  107. Pharmacology surplus (hallucinogens, antibiotics and more) [9]
  108. Pig food14 [1]
  109. Pillows from pizza buns [9]
  110. Play-Doh replacement
  111. Poster tack
  112. Pretend mooshed brains (from rice pudding [43, card C–15] or tapioca pudding)
  113. Process inks from various disposed food
  114. Props for starving Indian stand-up comics
  115. Reconstructive makeup for Tammy Faye Bakker
  116. Replacement airline food for Southwest Airlines or the now-defunct People Express Airlines15
  117. Rodent trap bait
  118. Roof tiles16 [9]
  119. Rosin replacement for athletes who need to get a better grip
  120. Safety match replacements from all the extra fat
  121. Sandbag filler for the Midwest [4]
  122. Seat cushions from pizza buns [9]
  123. Self-renewing chemicals for chemistry labs [9]
  124. Shims for cafeteria tables (from pot pies [43, card D–19])
  125. Shot pellets for shotguns from dried up peas
  126. Silly Putty replacement
  127. Slimy yucky goop that oozes out of aliens in cheap sci-fi, horror or psychotronic movies
  128. Snow removal chemicals from all the extra sodium
  129. Soundproofing to line aircraft jet engine nacelles to keep them quieter17
  130. Speaker cone replacements
  131. Spermicidal foam from mashed potatoes [9]
  132. Sponges by using dried corn dogs and bread [10]
  133. Super Ball replacement
  134. Super sponges
  135. Tempera paint replacement for art classes
  136. Temporary spare tire18
  137. Test material to fire at a TRS-80 [4]
  138. Tile grout19
  139. Training supplies for apprentice sanititation workers20
  140. Truly Artificial Sweetener that doesn’t sweeten at all
  141. Universal solvent [9]
  142. Wallpaper paste [14]
  143. “Waste-to-Energy” pilot program starter materials
  144. Water-soluble adhesive21
  145. World’s largest supply of Septimus Yellow clothing dye from creamed corn and cheese [9]
  146. World’s largest supply of green dye from turkey gravy and spinach [14]
  147. Yellow-colored emergency lighting22
  148. Yuntan brick replacements for Korean ondol heating systems23

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